if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
