Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
