No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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