Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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