Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
