The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
