everyone is single if you try hard enough
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
