I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
