I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
