Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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