Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
