made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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