i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
