Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
