I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
