I skipped work to stalk him.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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