I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
