Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
