the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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