I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
