So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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