How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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