just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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