Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
