Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
