Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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