She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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