seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
