I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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