I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
