He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
