It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
