theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
