One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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