A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
