You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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