Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
