i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
