Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
