i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
