Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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