I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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