dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
