New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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