either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
