My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
