I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
