tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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