I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
