I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
