I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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