oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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